Mar 082012

I had a mammogram the other day, and there are a couple of people I’d like to address.

To the woman who was ahead of me in line,

I promise not to publish it, despite the fact that I now know your full name, your address, who and where your gynecologist is, and every last detail of your current cervical condition. If you noticed, I was trying to be discreet, staying behind the strict, invisible HIPPA line, but I have two functioning ears, and unfortunately, they listen, even when I don’t want them to. I’m saying a prayer right now that you are not still sitting, waiting for your doctor to send over the order.

To President Obama,

Perhaps you already know this, but I’m going to tell you anyway. Forty is the recommended screening age for mammograms. A forty-year-old female body, just FYI, Mr. President, produces odors that can only be described as alarming. The need for deodorant is paramount. We (read: me) cannot sneak by without deodorant the way we could in our twenties, or even our thirties. Go ahead, and ask Michelle. I’m certain she will “have my back” on this issue.

I am sincerely offended by the smell of BO, mine or anybody else’s. And I find it very hard to believe that a few swipes of deodorant, which I was told not to wear, would be capable of disrupting the effectiveness of such “advanced” technology. So since you’re in mandating mode, how about mandating that the National Cancer Institute get together with the folks over at GE, and develop a mammography device that can say…stand up to the active ingredients in Lady Speed Stick?

While you’re at it, I’d also like you to mandate that someone (I suggest starting with Apple, since I’m pretty sure my iPhone already has the capabilities) invent a mammogram machine that acts more like it’s taking a picture, and less like it’s backing a minivan over my boobs. I must tell you, Sir, that I looked down while in mid-mammogram, and because of what I saw (think: map of Poland) I intend to seek permanent disability for mental health reasons.

If you’d like me to appear before Congress with these requests, I am at your disposal.